Question: Don’t Know What To Do?

Posted on May 15, 2016 by dontdestroyrelationship

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Anonymous Question:

“I took my boyfriends phone and pretended I was him and started chatting to his baby mamma asking that we get back together. I then told him what I did and he was upset, and says he doesn’t understand why I did it. But I told him it is because I don’t trust him and I have caught him chatting with his baby mamma telling her he missed her, the baby momma also said she missed him too. We have been dating for 3 years. I figured I would do him a favor and get them back together. But I still want to be with him, I was feeling hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do whether I should leave or try mend things. I feel really bad about this and scared that I was able to be so conniving.”
May I say I think it speaks well of you to admit going through your man’s phone. It’s quite commendable. Oftentimes, people have a problem with accountability. Kudos to you!
The question is why? Why did you do it? Not so much about the act, but the reason (you say) for doing it. You did it as a “favor,” to help him and his ex-get back together? Girl, let’s never pass out those type of favors. The disadvantage is your attempted favor actually draws them together with something to talk about— you.   You may have become the spectacle and the topic of their discussion.
I’m thinking you may have done that, meaning, going through the dialogue of pretending to be him in order to gauge where those two actually are. Not sure if deep down it was a favor, per se, but more like a feel to see exactly what might be revealed if you stepped in his shoe of discussion with her. What did you learn? Can you use the information?
However, if your man is worth it; and by this I mean if you want to hold on to him; then bring your best self. He doesn’t need to miss anything from an ex. He’s got you. Now if he did indeed say he missed his ex, then you need to bring your game a little harder. You can cover everything he needs and then some. You’ve been together for 3 years. What are you doing to make it last? How are you engaging him as a participant to make you two last for another 3 years? Three years is an accomplishment. What brought you both together this far? Why is he with you and not her? Why did he leave her? The answers are great places to build your continued relational future on.
He has violated your trust. When I say this, I am saying in the spirit of truth—-meaning, assuming you have verifiable proof that he said he misses his ex (baby mama). It looks like you may have violated his trust as well. You both have some “trust” mending to do. Deal with the issues and enjoy the process of healing together. It is self-contradiction to want someone to be trustworthy and then you do things to be untrustworthy. Nothing is worth you compromising your own self-beliefs.
I wish you the best of Love! Keep on loving.
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About dontdestroyrelationship

I am passionate about Relationships. To be in a Relationship you need skills. Some of the best skills to have are: a creative perspective, strategy in developing a win-win for both sides, be able to speak and receive honest communication, stay persistent, yet calm in conflict, some negotiation skills, and humor. These skills and more you need--- without emotion. If you have logic as the primary and emotion as secondary, there is nothing you cannot overcome in a relationship. I tell you how you bring destroyers into your relationship. Join me! It is a fascinating and revealing journey.
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4 Responses to Question: Don’t Know What To Do?

  1. psichomofo's avatar psichomofo says:
    May 16, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    That was just incredibly stupid, just give your BF of 3 years away.

    Reply
    • dontdestroyrelationship's avatar dontdestroyrelationship says:
      May 17, 2016 at 5:29 pm

      Hello My Friend! I’d like to call it self defeat. For some reason, being in a defeated mentality has to take a number of unpleasant and unresolved situations that may cause you to give it up. The act of her giving away was a cry out to get some help or validation very much needed in the relationship.

      Reply
  2. dontdestroyrelationship's avatar dontdestroyrelationship says:
    May 19, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    Hello My Friend!
    It has more to do with a need to verify, or confirm. So, in this case, my theory, based on what was submitted in the question, tells me the reason for her pretending to be the boyfriend texting his baby momma was to “verify or un-verify” her feelings of where they are in their side chats. I’d like to know what she found out exactly. She was trying to find out if something was going on between the two of them. That’s the only reason for her pretending. She only said she was “doing a favor”, because that was the only explanation of what she could provide to her boyfriend. For her to say anything other than that would show vulnerability or weakness.

    Reply

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