The Relationship To Design Our Monetary Success

Posted on October 7, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Life is about 10% of what happens to you and 90% of what you make it.

Togetherness Money2

Folk often invert this quote by believing life is 90% of what happens to you and only 10% of what you make it.

Using this inverted perspective makes us a victim. We go through life feeling powerless and helpless. We become subjected to whatever comes our way.

Success is not just for those who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Success is also for those who take situations they are in and either work or change the situation to an advantage.  It is about taking the bitter and making it sweet. You’ve heard the saying that says something like, “when life deals you lemons, make lemonade”.

It is time we use our Internal Locus of Control, “The extent to which people believe they have power over events in their lives. A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes….” http://psychcentral.com/encyclopedia/2009/locus-of-control/

We, as a people are not rendered helpless in the condition we are in.  We only “think” we are.  If we “want change” in our lives, in our relationships, communities, cultural systems and economics— we can do it, ourselves— together— but only together.

Don’t believe?

Let’s take this example. I have a dozen more options for you to choose from. But let’s use this one.

You are struggling with 2 children and paying babysitters to go to work.  You are paying bills, have grocery shopping to do, and exhausted by end of day.  Your life is habitual, and there is no balance for any time for your self and you do not have a social life.

Let’s say you have two cousins who are living a similar life.  You three are at a family reunion, and during the course of a conversation with your cousins, you find you are having the same challenges.  Your lives are similar in the ways of: each of you is paying $1000 in monthly rent; you each have a car and are paying approximately $200 monthly in car notes; and electricity is on average $150 a month, per person.

You have an uncle selling a 4 story apartment building.  You would like to buy it. Cannot afford it? Yes, you can!

Let’s say you and your two cousins each make $30K a year. That is not much money separately, but together, it is $90K a year!

The building is selling for $300K. Down deposit is $30K. Coming up with 30K individually is a lot of money. But the three of you can come up with $30K collectively— at $10K each.  Get you a good realtor and he/she will connect you with the resources to get you credit ready.

It is time to establish a cousin sisterhood.  It is time to live as sisters.  It is time to consider the options of coming together and moving away from barely making it, with minimal life enjoyment, to becoming financially successful practically over night.

We need to design our own success— together.  There are ways in which to do this.

As sister cousins, you can own that building, rent out one floor of the building to a good tenant, and each of you can have your own floor, sharing 2/3 of the mortgage and having your tenant pay the rest. Let’s say your mortgage is $3K per month. Your tenant pays $1K, and you three sister cousins, split the 2K three ways. What is that per month—$667?  Currently, you are paying more for rent— and you don’t even own it.  You are saving $333 a month, and you are a property owner.

Consider the perks with this arrangement!  You have two potential baby sitters (free). Have the option of splitting car notes.  You have a small community in your own building.  You have a family who is a powerful resource.  Maybe you do not need 3 cars— maybe only two between you?  You can split the grocery bill by buying in bulk.  You can open 1 bank account for the building and maintenance costs. Each of you can put 1/3 of your rent savings into the maintenance account. The three of you trust each other with your children, so perhaps you can go out and socialize every now and again.

Get where I am heading?

As Americans we have been socialized to be an individualistic society, yet the biggest of companies and banks are merging and becoming financial giants together despite their differences, because money is the object. Guess what? The little banks and individual companies are battling against these giants and they are having a hard time winning.  In observing how the companies are operating, we must note that trying to be financially successful alone is not financially feasible.  Doing the individual thing is not profitable. If it is not profitable, it is not sensible.

Companies, who have much more money than us, have learned to stay in the game; in knowing that being solo is now a no go.  There is just no money to be made in that philosophy.  We must follow their lead.  They are doing what we should be doing. Merging together!

We are funding their operations. Who is funding ours? How many of them are sponsors to our businesses? How many of us are being sponsored? Not even a fraction of us. Yet we are funding and sponsoring them! Yep! We are funding stockholders of these businesses and corporations, and their children’s college funds. Our money! The corporations are rich off of our dollars, and they are doing this together.

We need unity. We need to merge as a people.  We need togetherness to meet the economic need. We need to really make our dollars work for us.

But we need a change in how we think. We need to change how we feel.  We need a new focus.

We must go back to the basics! Together we built pyramids. We established our families collectively.  We created the family system. The concept of, “it takes a village” is ours.

The cause for change is in our hands!  We can change our financial situation at any time.  Together!

How many homeless people are living the individualistic American Dream! How is that working? If each homeless person went home what do you think will happen? They are no longer homeless. Unless one’s entire family has been wiped out, we all have someone to go home to.  If we have burned bridges, it is time out for pride.  Go home, and apologize. Go back to Love. Love is waiting for you at home.  Get it together, to be together!

In order to build together we cannot be selfish and think selfishly.  We cannot be petty and narrow minded.  Not only do we need to build “togetherness”, but we must think togetherness.  You make $30K? I make $50K. Together we are $80K.  What perks and resources do you to bring to the table? Here are mine!

Together and only together can we be financially successful.

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I’ve Betrayed My Partner

Posted on October 2, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

BETRAYAL2

A relationship can overcome practically anything if the act of betrayal has not resulted in a severe sever where fear has overtaken the injured partner to the point, he/she is too fearful to trust their partner again.

If you’ve put your partner in that place, you have created an end to the beginning, and set in place the beginning of the end to your relationship.  You have breached not only the trust factor, but also the emotional intimacy, which is an integral component in which all healthy relationships are built.

It would be wise to know your partner’s tolerance levels of emotions; and the various frustration levels in which he/she will or will not forgive.  Knowing your partner in this way will help you to properly gauge all that you must do to repair what you have broken. Also, knowing your partner’s personality when it comes to how they will process betrayal, will help you to make informed decisions on what your partner will not tolerate.

If your partner is easily frazzled, it is safe to deduce your partner has minimal to zero tolerance for letting things go.  You can confirm this by listening to his/her responses when in conflict with friends and family.  Observe and study the levels of frustration they have with situations.  This partner is not a very good listener.  Repeating yourself will be necessary in explaining what exactly happened and why, because he/she will draw their own conclusions.

Some partners lack emotional fortitude where one offense, or one wrongful act, is extremely difficult to deal with.  If you have this type of partner, you must bear the responsibility of always staying on point. If you do not, your wrongs may not always be thrown in your face, per se, but they will remain a watermark in the blueprint of your relationship.  You may experience a shutdown in conversation.  This partner does not have a lot of room for talking about something you’ve done that has caused him/her to deal with pain.

Or you may have a partner where more consideration is given first as to why you did it, and whether he or she is somewhat responsible for what you’ve done.  They will work it through to make a fair determination as to whether there was any part he/she may have played in what you did.  You will feel some distance from them sometimes, but their presence is symbolic that they are hanging in there, for now.  You may feel a chill at times, but it means he/she is working through it.

There is the logical partner.  They appreciate your honesty in telling the truth. It is always better to confess to this partner.  If he/she catches you in an indiscretion, it will be very difficult to deter them from rationalizing something they’ve seen firsthand.  He/she is primarily driven on the “why” versus the act alone.  There will be a full discussion on the events leading up to the act, the act itself, and the after affects of the act. There will also be a probing as to where you are with your apology, and how much sincerity it carries. A moving forward plan will be put in place in order to ensure progress, rather than being stuck in that bad situation’s moment and time.

If you have a partner who has emotional issues, he/she will only engage in what they are feeling about.  Since this partner type is more self-centric; you will continually live in the moment of your wrong doing and will be forced to remember what you’ve done, more than you will care to remember.  Even if this partner bears some remote responsibility of what you’ve done, he/she will never own it.  This same partner just might turn around, do you an injustice and feel justified because of your injustice.

Regardless of where your partner fits on the forgiveness scale, the degree of your “relational transgression” will determine just how much work you will need to do in order to perform emotional repairs— if you are truly interested in saving the relationship.

Of course, it is always best to err on the side of keeping everything above board.  But things do happen…..

Making amends is hard, but not impossible.  How you do it is critical.  Your focus must be on rebuilding trust and working to become someone your partner can re-invest their emotional trust in.  Be prepared that it may not happen any time soon in most cases, but your continual apology in word and deeds will eventually open the portal to forgiveness.

Your transparency of living must be extremely apparent in a way where it is done with ease and not forced, because forced transparency results in suspicion and further distrust. You may have to share more of your whereabouts and communicate more to your partner, but it is necessary— should you care to rebuild.

When you mess up, you must take on the burden of your partner’s feelings. If you cannot do this, and feel the pain you have inflicted, you will fail in gaining your partner’s forgiveness.  You must be sorry. You must say it. Not once, twice, three times, four, five, or even six. You must say it as many times as it takes for your partner to feel your sorrow.

Being sorry is not about blame, where you are saying, “…well if you had done this, or if you had not done that, I would not have done this.” No. This is only about your act— you alone are at fault.

You must own it.

A sorry and sincere heart in humility, along with extreme vulnerability and transparency, is a great start to re-establishing trust.  Don’t push and don’t try too hard.  Show much love to your partner, be patient and be consistent.

You may be taking a risk, because in some cases all of your gestures may not work to rebuild your relationship.  In this case, you may have to make a decision, but nothing beats a failure but a try, if you care to try to save your relationship.

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