Deserting Family For Love

Posted on September 29, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Many of us have lost a family member or very close friend due to their choice of entering into a relationship.  We have seen, time and time again, folk giving up family and friends for Love.

Love by Desertion2

Now if you do not have loving family and friends, this read may not be for you.

What type of relationship can two people really have when they cut off their loved ones and friends so they can be in Love?  Unless the family is a hindrance to the relationship, yes, this could present a problem, but it is not unsolvable.  Generally, if a loving family has reservations, they will find a way to work with it.

Our experiences of Love were born from family and friends— first!  It is because of them we are able to love someone.  It is through that love we can start the journey of Love.  Without the exposure, how else would we know?

So far, I have seen such relationships fail, and when they do, those same individuals go back to those whom they have discarded.  They return back to the open arms of loving family and friends.

Why would any person, who was taught and shown Love— come to the conclusion the love they have known all of their lives, should be tossed for a “Johnny Love or a Jackie Love come lately?”

We are not learning the lessons.

No one person can be all things to one person. As much as a mother would like to be all things to her son, she can try all she can, but she cannot replace a father; nor be a wife to her son.  There are great fathers out there, but a father cannot be a mother to his daughter; nor can he be a husband to her.

There are so many different angles of Love: a mother’s love, father’s love, sister’s love, brother’s love, a friend’s love, Godly love, a daughter’s love and a son’s love, etc. All of these are powerful and they have brought us to the place where we are today.

Some women throw this away for a man. Some men throw this away for a woman.

If we decide we do not need these variations of love any longer, then we should question whether we truly know what Love is, the broad band of it, and if we have learned the lessons that have been around us all of our lives. How can we walk away from the Love we have been given and choose one person (one) who can only “begin” to fulfill one facet of Love— if that?

That person should complete us, not deplete us of Love.

No man is an island— unless he owns one. No two people are an island— unless they have purchased one.  Until then, join the planet!

The myopic mentality of “I am the only one you need or I am the only Love you need” will create a very small and limited world in that relationship.  This will reduce both partners to a miniscule fraction of the Love experience.

Why would we want a miniscule portion of Love? Because he/she sexes us until our toes curl? Or they possess all the money we will ever need? Perhaps he/she can expose us to all the new things and experiences in life? Or they can take us all around the world? Maybe their intellect is so encompassing we do not need another perspective, because theirs is all we need? Are all of our lessons in life embodied with this one individual? Or perhaps their emotional intelligence is astounding and can captivate our attention until the end of time? Most times, this is not the case.  Often times, people are giving up family and friends for much much less.

Usually, if a person can begin to cover many of these things, that person will most likely never require us to give up anything.  They are smart enough, loving enough, confident and well rounded enough to know that we are, and primarily exists because of those who have loved us. He/she is very interested in every part of our life, and they are not interested in being a divider.

Being a family divider is a sure sign of trouble, yet we fall for it every time!  What is the real reason for creating separation in a family that has been with us through everything? When we were single, they were there. When we had bad relationships, they were right beside us.  When we cried, they cried with us.

So…….

Is it because we are desperate, where that person can simply ask, or mentally control us to sever ties? Do we fear that person will walk away, if we choose to keep the Love we have around us?  Is it fear, where we believe there is not another person who will come, love us and embraced those whom we love?  Is it because we cannot logically support why we are in the relationship?  Or are we with an emotional abuser, who can manipulate us best when we are not protected by the Love surrounding us?

Or is it just us fighting, because everyone around us may have reservations about this person and rather than respecting those reservations, and working to bring unity, we fight for someone we should not give up the world for.

If we are so willing to separate and divide for what we believe is Love, then we should really examine our hearts and understand why.

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Posted on September 26, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

verbal and emotional abuse2

Abuse would not exist— at all— if we did not allow it. 

We may not be able to stop cancer in its last stages.  We may not be able to stop death.  Nor can we control the world of someone else, but when it comes to how we allow others to treat us— this is well within our power of control.  We can control how we are treated by another person.  If we are abused, it is because we have turned our power over to an abuser.

Are we going through emotional and verbal abuse in our relationships?

The definition of domestic violence was best defined by, Child Welfare Information Gateway.  “Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive and assaultive behaviors that include physical, sexual, verbal, and psychological attacks and economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner.” Sep 26, 2013, https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/domesticviolence/domesticviolencec.cfm

Some of us have been verbally and emotionally abused throughout childhood, so we grow up accepting abuse as a way of life.  Being socialized in this way, generally leads to a cycle of abusive relationships.

85% of reported domestic violence (physical, emotional, verbal, etc.) reflects women are the most impacted.  40% of victims suffering from severe physical domestic violence are men.  Domestic Violence Statistics, Sep. 26, 2013,  http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/men-the-overlooked-victims-of-domestic-violence/

Abuse does not discriminate against gender.

Some of us may not experience physical abuse, but perhaps, we are more exposed to verbal and emotional abuse than we care to acknowledge or are even aware of.  Physical abuse is much more blatantly intrusive, and depending on the style of the abuser, emotional and verbal abuse can be subliminal, with mind controlling tactics, loaded with soft spoken hissing cruelty and mild accusations that forces you to undermine yourself, or question your self worth, your abilities and decisions.

What are the characteristics of an abused person?   How does someone allow another person to abuse them?

They have certain self-deficiencies like: lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, no self-love, inferiority complex, and self-doubt.  Failing to strengthen these characteristics will render someone mentally weak and incapable of defending themselves emotionally or psychologically.

Someone who is highly motivated and armored with emotional intelligence and confidence is less likely to suffer from abuse, opposed to someone who is emotionally frail, discouraged and disheartened.

Name calling, put downs, yelling, screaming, cursing, public humiliation, volatile drama, separating you from your family and friends, controlling how you dress, using tactics of intimidation, humiliation, mind manipulation, and verbal threats are some examples of abuse:   love is respect.org, What is Emotional/Verbal Abuse? Sep. 26, 2013, http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse,

If we become familiar with the behaviors of abuse, we may want to reconsider how we argue and disagree with our partner.  Some arguments are border line abusive and some are just downright abusive.  For example, when we have an argument with our partner that has escalated to the point, where we resort to name calling, cursing, screaming out derogatory statements, boldly disrespecting and using mind control tactics, and ripping apart our partner because we are privy to his/her weaknesses— this is abuse.

According to an article called, Is Emotional Abuse Really Abuse?   It states, “A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage, but it does cause emotional pain and scarring. It can also lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on the unhealthy path its on.” Sep. 26, 2013, http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse

We must be more cognizant of our behavior, because it can be manifested into abuse, and whereas the abusive behaviors listed here, may not be abusive on a stand-alone basis, but it should be noted, that the combination of all behaviors listed here, are a part of the overall frequent and consistent behavior of an abuser.

Lastly, if you know of anyone who is being abused, try to help if you can, by referring to the links listed here.  There is also a book written on how to stop the abuse and heal from it.  The website for the book is http://www.verbalabuse.com/.  The name of the book is called, “Victory Over Verbal Abuse” A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life!

Again, abuse would not exist— at all— if we did not allow it. 

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