Abandonment Issues Create Relationship Failure

Posted on September 25, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Abandonment Issues2

I was in a conversation for 3 hours during my Chicago visit with 3 very interesting men talking about relationships.  I love talking to men, because the conversations are raw, no holds barred, unemotional and straight in your face.

One of them explained how he got involved with a woman and 5 months later decided not to be with her, because he was no longer sexually attracted.

He proceeded to say she wanted sex seven days a week, which he thought was a bit extreme, especially since he did not feel any intimate or emotional connection between them.  He felt she tried to over sex him to ensure he would not stray, because she was very insecure and had abandonment issues.

I found it interesting that she was so involved in her ulterior motives and did not work to strengthen her insecurities, therefore she could not emotionally connect with him.  She was using sex as a smoke screen to hide her insecurities and in doing so this became a turn off for him.

Not only did he stray, he broke off the relationship.

Our reasons for breaking up a relationship can be traced back to what we did not do in the beginning.  We do not take the time to set up a solid foundation from the on start of the relationship, and we do not talk about the necessary things in order to have enough information about each other in order to decide if we would be good together.

If we do not ask the right questions and if we do not know specific information about a person, we are not able to make any sort of sensible decisions in having a relationship.

We should engage in conversations with a potential partner regarding his/her childhood.  A great deal of our childhood shapes us as adults.  Having a positive or negative view about life will impact the support in the relationship, and how the relationship is viewed, whether negative or positive.  If we do not ask about their challenges in life, we cannot deduce if that person will go through the rough times with us.  If we do not understand what he/she is strong in, we cannot analyze how those strengths can best serve in the relationship.  If we have no idea of the weaknesses, we will not be able to gauge how those very weaknesses will create the problems in the relationship.  Not knowing anything about his/her emotional intellect just may leave us having to bear their emotional burdens because they lack emotional strength.  This will leave us drained and having to provide additional emotional support in the relationship.  If that person is broke all the time due to bad spending habits, this will impact us socially and financially, depending on how many times we may have to foot the bill, or having to bail him/her out of different money matters.

If we are trying to solve our abandonment issues by jumping into a relationship; or if we are only trying to fill our fear of being lonely by being in a relationship, rather than exploring why we fear, these very same issues will prevent us from making sensible decisions on the success or failure of the relationship.  Without careful consideration, the relationship has a 90% chance of losing.

In this particular case, this gentleman was able to see through this woman, and her issues.  She was not trying to fix them, she was only pacifying them.  In her not addressing her issues, and using sex as a tool to control whether he stays or goes, he felt an emotional disconnect with her instead.

Ultimately, he ended the relationship because of her fear of abandonment, and her fear of being alone.  He could not connect with her, because she never really connected with herself, and she was too busy serving up sex with ulterior motives.

What she was trying so desperately to hold on to, she actually lost it.  This further compounds her fear of abandonment, due to the reality of what she is bringing to herself.  She is perpetuating her own problems, because she will not solve her emotional issues.

Posted in Fix Yourself | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Too Busy to Get Busy in the Bedroom!

Posted on September 18, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Too Busy2
A relationship may be building a partnership when it comes to business, but getting busy in the bedroom should never be the last order of business, or the neglected order of business. Usually, when we are inundated with business, sex is mostly always the first to become last.

When the relationship becomes more about business, a routine sets in and things slowly begin to go downhill.  We get so involved in the business surrounding the relationship, that the actual core of the relationship is neglected.  A balance to business and the bedroom is important.

A false sense of security comes into play when we only talk about business.  Being consumed about business has nothing to do with the relationship’s core.

When we are so busy with business, and without the balance of intimacy, we allow exhaustion to become a problem. Notice I said allow.  Exhaustion will take us over, to the point,  where we actually lose interest in having sex, because just thinking about sex will appear physically exhausting.  If it takes too much effort in our mind, we won’t do it. This is a problem.  Our mind actually prepares us for sex, which is why we become physically aroused.  If we are not there in the mind, we will not become aroused in the body.  In an article called, “When The Sex Stops in a Relationship: Common Reasons Why,” two of the four reasons are: Exhaustion and Losing Interest.
http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/when-sex-stops-relationship-common-reasons-why  Too much of being tired generates non interest.

The love chats, touching, sexing, smiling and feeling gets lost in the details of business. They begin to serve only as reminders of what was.  When this happens, a slow process of separation begins.  Eventually, one partner begins to feel the slight separation and sexual deprivation.

For a while the deprived partner is willing to settle without the sex.  After all, sex isn’t everything. Right?  (WRONG)

It takes 21 days to establish a habit, http://blogs.ucl.ac.uk/hbrc/2012/06/29/busting-the-21-days-habit-formation-myth/  so it gets easier to settle for not having sex.  Relationship trouble!

When the sexual distance begins, we are not always willing to open up and talk about needing sex with our partner, so this makes matters worse.  This does not help to resolve our sexual distance.

After a while, all relationship “business” problems are cared for. For example, the business is moving, the children are jiving, and the clients are cared for and satisfied.  Talking about business together is not needed as much.  However, since the core relational communication has shifted, we have become consumed in everything surrounding us and foreign to everything between us.  Rather than react and focus on correcting the problem, even though the slight change of interaction in the relationship is felt, the problem persists and slowly eats away at the communication, closeness, the bond, the attraction, the emotional connection and the intimacy.  There are no arguments— yet, so it appears to be no evidence of any relational trouble.

Soon, the signs become a bit more obvious.  Even though there is a routine that provides some sense of normalcy, it feels different.  The intimacy that was once felt is not there. One partner, feeling something is different becomes insecure.  This is a definite tell-tale sign the relationship is no longer solid.  The reality of, “Someone has pulled out of the relationship” is quite possible.  https://www.wellsanfrancisco.com/the-real-scoop-on-why-couples-stop-having-sex/   The Real Scoop on Why Couples Stop Having Sex.

To try to remove the distance or the feeling of uneasiness, someone may initiate sex, but when it happens, there is a disconnect.  The sexual intimacy that was once there has been abandoned.  So, the sex is good, but not as great as it could be and not as it was before.  The problem can no longer be ignored.

Insecurity has now entered the relationship, and causes us to observe our partner more closely.   The observation is not for learning purposes, it is a search to find out what is going on.  The necessity for keeping tabs on our partner, prying, questioning, and observing social interactions and phone calls may all become a part us needing to feel secure that nothing is going on outside of the relationship. Now we are officially in relationship trouble, all because we were too busy for one of the most important necessities in a relationship.  Sex!

Posted in Sex | Tagged , , | 2 Comments