Arguments cannot be avoided in relationships. Usually, we handle them badly. Consider an argument, any type of argument between you and your partner resulting in the country having to go to war.
Would we have to go to war because you could not yield; or are being stubborn? Would we have to go to war because it had to be done your way, or perhaps you go on emotional tangents, thus blocking your ability to see a different perspective?
Probably not. You would consider your position for the greater good. You would consider the pros and cons for both sides and make the best decisional response in your argument.
The same concept should apply to your relationship. Your argument should be constructive, and logical. Not based on emotional feelings alone. Arguments call for both partners to be objective.
If the argument with your partner resulted in saving lives, you would most likely be bartering, compromising, rethinking your position or looking at your partner’s position objectively. There are lives weighing in on your argumentative position.
Your relationship after ending the argument is extremely important. It will not have to create world peace, but peace is crucial to your togetherness and harmony as a couple.
Arguing to agree, should be the shared foundational understanding. Meaning, that both of you will provide different vantage points on both the approach and expression of your argument.
According to Queendom, The Land of Tests, in the article called, Arguing and Relationships, it makes a valid point of, “A healthy relationship has room for an open confrontation and constructive criticism. If the couple fights constructively, the arguing becomes less frequent, and communication becomes more effective. The relationship becomes a ground for personal growth. The partners get past their defensiveness and start to work out their inner conflicts, to heal old wounds, get over their insecurities; simply put, they evolve as individuals and as a couple.” http://www.queendom.com/articles/articles.htm?a=8
During the course of an argument, responding defensively causes an offensive response from your partner. Both responses remove the focus from the subject of discussion. It puts both partners in the position of having to emotionally self-protect. Once this happens, the argument becomes bigger than it needs to be.
The object of the argument should answer the questions: “Why are we having this particular discussion? How is it productive to the relationship? How is it progressive?” If the argument does not move your relationship forward; nor benefits you individually or jointly, then drop it. It is useless.
I was having a discussion with someone involving a DVD I had seen, regarding Michael Jackson and Dick Gregory. I thought the information was quite informative and was sharing it. The person I was talking to said, “Well, Dick Gregory would not help Michael Jackson when he asked for help with his diet. Dick wasn’t so willing to help Michael out. So, Dick Gregory is just talking out of both sides of his mouth.”
My response was, “Unless we were there, we cannot speak on here say.” This person got pretty pissed and basically thought I was defending Dick Gregory, when all I was trying to explain was that neither he nor I could validate such information. Becoming further upset, he said, “Well, do not allow me to take your Dick Gregory away!” (huh?)
When I saw this person becoming emotionally upset, to the point, he needed to curse to defend his position; I asked him, “Why are we taking the discussion to this level when Michael Jackson is dead? This discussion is a moot point.”
I simply ended the conversation by saying, “This makes no sense to me. I am not going to argue with you about someone who is dead. I have work to do that I have to get back to. I am going to say goodbye and hang up.” This made more sense to me, rather than going on and getting more involved about something that had nothing to do with us. We hung up.
I waited 20 minutes, and called him back saying, “I hope we are good. I am not getting into an argument with you about something that has nothing to do with us, and we cannot confirm such statements. Being highly emotional about it solves nothing.” His response was, “Yea. You are right.”
When it comes to your feelings, try to be as objective as possible. If your feelings cannot be validated by something concrete or if they cannot be supported by an absolute, a statistic, or experience, do not create an argument on an emotional tangent. Proceeding down this path, will be more destructive to your relationship, than productive.
The Relationship Destroyers 