Relationship or Arrangement?

Posted on September 12, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Relationship or Arrangement2

Some of us think we are in a Relationship when it is really an Arrangement. 

I was presented with a scenario on The Female Solution radio show.  One partner has all the money, (let’s call him/her the financial controller).  The other partner is on the receiving end of the money, but at a price.  Not only does the partner pay out the dollars, but he/she controls the relationship.  It is to the extreme, where the financial controller monitors their partner’s spending habits, check in on phone calls, and phone logs, peeping phone contacts, inquiring who their partner is socializing with, and retrieving phone and banking passwords.  In an article called, Are you in a controlling relationship? How to spot the signs of manipulation— it says, “In a relationship, abuse may start simply by your other half checking on your phone calls, or by taking charge of all financial matters, where the partner needs to ask permission to buy anything.  …. taking away your independence.”  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10124801/Nigella-Lawson-Are-you-in-a-controlling-relationship-How-to-spot-the-signs-of-manipulation.html

The partner who is being controlled reluctantly allows it.  He/she is not comfortable with the situation, even has doubts, but due to financial restraints submit to the intrusive requests. The financial controller knows this, and is using financial power to prey on the weakness of their partner, knowing he/she will obey, and not leave, because of the money.

This is not a Relationship.  This is an Arrangement.  Resembling a Relationship and being in a Relationship are two different things.

A Relationship is based on freedom of self, affection, reciprocity, commonalities, shared belief systems, emotional intimacy, sexual togetherness, a sharing of financial acumen, and a host of other great things that builds a partnership. Where one is stronger in one area than the other, the other partner leverages his/her value by being strong in another area. Either way, both partners are bringing value to the relationship.

A Relationship is not a take take take situation.  It is not a monitoring of your activities, and an invasion of privacy. It is not based on uncertainty, distrust, manipulation, and abuse. It is not primarily about being financially cared for.  There is no place to micro manage the life of anyone.

An arrangement is a situation that may resemble a Relationship by two people being together, but it lacks the depth and essence of what a Relationship is.

Since this is an arrangement, why not make the arrangement official? Have the discussion.

We are living in a time where cost effectiveness is crucial.  Why not make an agreement that you and the financial controller agrees to maintain the situation as is, while you work to establish yourself to financial independence?  The financial controller agrees to provide guidance and opportunities to make this happen. You can go out together, have some good times together, but understand it is not a Relationship.  You need the money, and your partner needs something to control.  This could work!

Who knows? If the arrangement works well, and you both grow into emotional maturity, a Relationship could be forged.

Let’s consider some of the differences of an arrangement versus a Relationship.  In an arrangement one is the financial controller and provides whatever is wanted or needed, but for a price. He/she must control whatever they deem fit. In a relationship, there may be a difference of earned revenue, or maybe one is the provider but there is a give and take of both partners. No mandated control.

In an arrangement any “feigned” affection is focused on what the controller does, and what he/she provides materially.  In a Relationship, the emotional connection is primarily first (the non material aspects) of how we connect, and how we feel about each other.

An arrangement is centrally focused on the tangibles. The Relationship is focused on the non tangibles, with finance being an important component, but not the primary component.

Arrangements where the man is the financial controller and the woman is the recipient, the woman will feel a disconnect in the areas of closeness and emotional intimacy.  It is difficult to be authentic with emotion and intimacy when the motive is control.

Arrangements where the woman holds the purse strings, and the man is cared for, the man risks emasculation and being mentally neutered.  He may be nurtured (maybe), but his masculinity is at risk. Men are generally socialized to be primary providers.

Are you in a Relationship or are you in an Arrangement?

Posted in Self | Tagged , | Leave a comment

The Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Posted on September 9, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Emotionally unavailable2

When you are not emotionally available, this means you are not available to be in a relationship.  Your heart and feelings are wrapped up in another— your ex.  You were not always emotionally unavailable.  You were not born that way.  This came about you being hurt from a previous relationship.

It also means, you do not trust your own heart, nor do you trust your decisions when it comes to Love.  The choice of your ex partner haunts you and has debilitated you from moving forward.

You remain a hostage to the previous relationship and its pain.   You have not healed, and even worse, you are emotionally traumatized.  Even when it comes down to sex you cannot intimately connect. Emotional intimacy frightens you.  If it did not, why not engage?

Now the new partner is dealing with your emotional barriers and your closed heart.

When you left the previous relationship and entered into a new one, you never told your new partner you are damaged goods.   Such a confession causes one to pause and reconsider if venturing into a relationship with someone who is damaged is worth the time, patience, pain and price.  So, you were not exactly forthright with your status.  You were not and still are not available to be in a relationship.     

It is difficult to admit, you are emotionally unavailable, that your ex has dominion over you, and you are stuck and cannot allow someone in your heart again.  Your ex, who is no longer in your life, and most likely has moved on to greener pastures, is still fully present with you, where his/her mark remains.  You have also given your power away to your ex, and the imprint of pain is engraved in your life, so much so, that you new partner wants to love you, but cannot due to the prison bars around your heart and emotions.  This makes you a prisoner of the lover from your past.

You have not left your former relationship.

Why aren’t you able to move on?  Why are you stuck in a painful past that is impacting your present and future Love life?  Do you lack the strength and fortitude to move on? Has fear literally gripped your heart?

You have not learned the lessons yet.  Just because you chose someone who did not treat you well before, does not mean you cannot trust yourself to select a better partner on the next round.  Thanks to a painful experience you are better equipped to observe certain identifiers of someone who does not have your best interest at heart.  Knowing this is critical to moving forward.

The other lesson is no one on this earth should impact you from ever feeling again.  Your emotional system is the foundation to everything there is to being human.  Your emotions are your birth right.  No one has the right to take them from you.

How can you start again to be emotionally available?

Consider what you could have done to avoid the emotional damage.  What subtle red flag did you miss?  The signs were there you just missed them.  You were oblivious of the obvious.  Learn to trust yourself again through identification.  Once you can identify the oncoming of pain, you are able to avoid or deflect, and in this you can trust yourself again.  Trusting yourself makes allowance to trust others.

Understand that the journey of Love ushering us into the world of Love is not for the squeamish, the timid, the fearful, or the weak; and the biggest rewards in life are achieved by taking the biggest risks. You deserve the beauty of being loved and you deserve to Love someone.

Try explaining to your new partner, why it is difficult for you to open up.  Be honest and share the facts.  Tell him/her you need to try to trust yourself again by believing you know how to make better decisions in giving your heart away.  Share what you think would be helpful in removing your barriers.  Talk about your pain, about life, what your goals are, and what you really want.

Learn about your new partner.  Ask questions about the painful times in his/her life.  Understand why he/she is emotionally available to you and how to do it.  What are the similarities of pain you both have endured in your life and what are the differences?  Pay attention as to how they have overcome problems, hindrances and troubles.  It helps you to be sympathetic to their plight.  Ask him/her about lessons learned from past relationships.

Real dialogue and conversations like this will help to align with your new partner, and you may realize that he/she has been exactly where you are. You may find that both of you have painful commonalities.  This will create a connection where both of you will feel safe in sharing.  This is a good thing.  We have more of a tendency to bond with those  who are empathetic to our pain and experiences.

Posted in Emotions | Tagged , , | Leave a comment