The Relationship of No Regrets

Posted on August 13, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

No Regrets2

I was asked a very interesting question I think we all face at some point in our lifetime.

“Do you have any regrets with your Mom passing”?

Powerful question, right?

Before I answer the question, allow me to share the process, that perhaps if we all lived this way, we just might live a life free of regrets.  And of course, by now, you might already know my answer.

Making every moment count is one way to live without regrets. This can apply to family or anyone in your life of whom you value.  I like to call it a part of authentic living.

Always try to end a discussion, argument or conflict with understanding.  Try to understand your loved one— even if you do not agree with his/her way of thinking; or living for that matter.  Develop an understanding of their feelings or logic.  Talk to them in order to understand.  This does not imply they are correct. This helps to keep a heated or hostile situation to a minimum.

Work through anger. Anger is a corrosion of the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual system. Often times you may find folk will avoid a heated discussion, thus making it difficult to create a solution together. A good way to work through this is to explain your position as kindly as possible. Even if it appears you are not being heard, speak slowly, lovingly, but objectively on your position. Finish it off by confirming your love for them. End it by saying you are always open to hearing what they feel.  If they say nothing, fine. Move forward respecting their position of silence.

Always try. If your loved one does not attempt to respond to your gestures, it is okay. The relationship you want is not what they want.  Attempt to bridge the gap of communication, understanding or togetherness.  You can try to fix the areas of weakness in the relationship but, unless you get participation, because it takes two to build the relationship, there is not much you can really do.

Never be the problem. Position yourself to be the solution.  This is tricky.  If you are a strong person, know that strength is oftentimes misunderstood.  In this case, restate the problem gently, while offering ways to end in resolve.  Always put in the effort to fix the problem.

Make allowances for bad behavior. Yes. Sometimes you must bite the bullet and allow your loved one to be dramatic, argumentative, he/she may walk away, hang up the phone, even talk about you to others, or make false accusations.  Take it.  Try to offer peace as best you can. If that does not work, allow them to rant. They will either storm off, or you will exit the scene quietly.

Honestly? You may see yourself choking them.  This is normal.  Don’t act on it, of course! If you feel this way, know that you are only human and some one with feelings.

Try to avoid saying anything in anger that you must apologize for later.  The way to avoid this is to detach from your feelings and attach to your logic and objectivity. Try not to end a situation with you owing the apology.  If you say something out of line or something that is a verbal attack, stop and apologize, profusely.

When a tragedy strikes or that person becomes sick, check in and offer help. Never allow him/her to stop you from doing good.

Let go only after you have gone above, beyond and when you have done all you can.   Sometimes, in order to minimize your pain, you must lovingly let go. This is not to say you do not love or respect your loved one. This just shows full acceptance that the relationship or resolve you so desire with this person cannot happen. Let go in peace, and take comfort in knowing that you did all you could.

Don’t talk about the situation with everyone. Select only a few people who you trust to provide you with emotional support and honest feedback.  Too much talking creates mess, and opens the portal for gossip. Confusion never solves anything.

This is a hard one. There is no need to defend yourself.  When you have handled a situation objectively, your responses and behavior far exceeds a ranting person full of emotion.

These steps may be difficult for you— at first.  After all, you are only human. You want the best out of any relationship you encounter.

You will need to work through your own feelings of hurt, unfulfilled desires, and yes, even anger. The only way, is to accept and respect the desires of your loved one.  He/she simply does not want what you want.  Why want something with someone when there is a clear and present rejection of you?

Move on to fulfill your desires in a relationship where someone wants to be your father, mother, sister, brother, lover, partner or spouse. Inputting good in the cycle of goodness will place you in a position where your needs will be met.

Enjoy the freedom of no regrets!

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The Mourning Process

Posted on August 8, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Mourning Process2

There is nothing more painful than death.  Death is final.  No take backs.  No second chances.  No bringing life from the dead.  Death has the final say.

We feel a loss for so many reasons.  The loss of a loved one who is gone.  The security being removed in thinking he/she would always be there, because they always were.  The memories of what was and what will be no more.  The house they lived in, or that one thing only they could do.  Their triumphs and what we learned from them.  Their smile.  Their failures and how we have learned to turn their failures into our successes.  Even the impact that our loved one had on the lives of many others.  Or maybe the feeling of being lost and left behind.

The mind has a way, I think, of protecting us from the trauma of death for the first 3 days.  Do you notice when you are able to doze off to sleep, and when you awake, for a slight second, your mind has you believing that your loved one just may not have died? It is only for a brief second.  Then your mind plays back the reality that your loved one is gone.  It is as if the mind is gently awakening you to the tragic reality.

So we mourn.  For the loss.  The absence.  The memories— the painful ones as well as the good ones.  The mind brings back memories you had forgotten even as far back as when you were a child and in some cases a baby.  The mind is a very complex organ. 

I have learned, even in mourning, that you cannot be selfish.  Regardless of your pain, the pain of others is just as important.  You must consider that many have no idea of what to say, or how to say it, whether to come, or go, or to stay.  You have to be cognizant of their pain and take the time to make them comfortable in trying to give their sympathy and support.  They may need time to talk.  They deserve to be heard.  There is also the sensitivity of words that we use everyday— like, “Girl, you are killing me”!  Ooops!  Wrong choice of words. 

It is helpful to keep the balance.  Sometimes you must shake yourself, focus on something good, work on a project that will be financially rewarding, or take the time to exert some energy, maybe even indulge in a good laugh.  Coming out of the “Sack Cloth and Ashes” every now and again, keeps you sane and helps through the grieving process.  Working out, doing sit ups and push ups, are very helpful. 

I was with my daughter and sister last Sunday.  A song came on the radio we had not heard in a long time.  It was very moving.  As we pulled up in Dairy Queen‘s parking lot the song had us rocking!  We were clapping and moving.  We were in the zone for awhile, and then my daughter jumps out the car!  She is jumping and doing a church dance that had my sister and me in stitches.  It was hysterically funny to watch, but what was more powerful was that she felt the song in such a way, where she was moving and jumping around in six inch heels.  No woman would dare do those moves on any given day in six inch heels.  But something had her!  We were laughing but could see she was caught up in the zone of the song.  Watching her move with the song and temporarily unleashing herself from the chains of mourning was so refreshing.  We laughed until our sides hurt.  It was such a powerful moment, that a woman working in the drive thru of the chicken place next door yelled out, “Git it Girl!  Git it!” It was the highlight of our day and we laughed for hours!  I have my sister play that footage on her phone everyday and I laugh again until I literally hurt myself.

So, you must take the moments as they come.  You must continue to maintain your routine.  Otherwise, you will get caught up in a web of emotions that will be absolutely unbearable. 

Take your moments of mourning and take your moments of life as they come.

 

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