The Relationship Destroyers

It is time to either dispel, remove, or give considerable, and reasonable thought to the illusions we believe surrounding relationships and about relationships that lead us to make very wrong decisions about our selection of a partner, how we deport ourselves in the relationship, how we feel and what we know about love, and even worse, our expectations of relationships.  Even to the point, that many of us are moved into marriage, without adequate investigation and due diligence (detailed work). 

Some folk believe there is a soul mate out there and are waiting and searching for that person.

Reality:  There is no hard core proof that any such soul mate exists for any one.  An article in Psychology Today called, “The Fallacy of a Soul Mate (Part 1)” suggests, “The idea of a soul mate comes from the ancient tale of Aristophanes, a comic playwright and contemporary of Plato”.  The article goes on to say that well educated people do not believe in a soul mate. This implies that if you are educated, you are most likely more logically and factually informed, and less emotionally vulnerable to believe such a concept.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201207/the-fallacy-the-soul-mate-part-i

The Marital vows are a solemn, eternal promise and commitment between two people.

Reality:  The vows are the beginning of false expectations.  The words, “To have and to hold…., for better or for worse…..” Most folk cannot handle bad, much less worse.  Meaning folk are just saying the words, marrying by the words, but cannot honor them. Rightly so.  This is because they cannot foresee into the future to make a decision if they can hold on for worse.  How can you make a lifetime oath without the necessary information to make an accurate judgment of what you can actually do?

When a relationship is going good, marriage is the next step.

Reality:  How about no?! The next step in the relationship is to know more about your partner, understand what defines who he/she is. Why they are. What have they overcome in life?  How did they overcome?  Are they balanced in their perspectives, and are they emotionally healthy?  Learn more about them. Understand why you feel the way you do about them. Engage in higher levels of intimacy.  Allow adequate time for love to develop, and grow before you take the leap. Provide more than enough time for both of you to determine if you can maintain exclusivity.  Give yourself time to grow together and be together before saying the words, “I do”.  If you make the decision too fast, you will be saying “I do” only to get done.  Marriage just may need to be the last step— after you have covered as much of every dynamic of the relationship, every dynamic of your partner, AND yourself.

Being religious makes a relationship/marriage better.

Reality:  Where is the proof that validates that statement?  What do we really have that shows us this is indeed true?  A few couples who appear to have a successful relationship?  Does this apply to at least 60% of the religious people we know?  (60% of all marriages end in divorce) If not, the odds are small and the risks are severely high.  Perhaps if we all worked (first) to be higher minded human beings and practice the act of selflessness, and show kindness to all men, help each other and not judge each other, without racism, prejudice and discrimination, we just might be better spiritual beings. Some folk are so heavenly bound, they are no earthly good.  The Bible says, “But that was not first which is spiritual, but that which is natural; and afterward that which is spiritual..”  (1 Corinthians 15:46).

In a relationship we agree to be more about the concept of “we” versus “me”.  

Reality:  There is much work to do here. Society is shaping and promoting an individualistic society. To the point, that a lot of people are more self focused, selfish, and to make matters worse, folk feel “entitled” to take from you, as if it is their right to receive your kindness or any gesture of goodness without working for it all.  They feel they deserve it just because they exist.  They are takers. Oftentimes you will find these types of people linking with the givers.

Hollywood portrays a sense of what your woman or man should look like or act like. This guarantees happiness in your relationship.

Since when do people believe Hollywood? If they do, they need to read a book, and get a check on reality.  Hollywood is meant only for entertainment.  And where there are subtle messages that convey pieces of truth and reality, it is important to have a filter to discern fact, to make sensible decisions, and to discern a lie, for your entertainment.

I am looking for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right.

Reality:  There are some of us that are working towards righteousness or living an authentic life; but the fact is, we are all just trying to get it right.  Some of us are living an authentic life and some of us are just lost. But as long as we work daily to get it right, balance our lives with goodness, having the right motive, pursuing wisdom, kindness, love, and with continued self growth, we will get there.  So, don’t look for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Look for the one who is striving and building to get it right.

I can practically get along with everyone. So being in a relationship is not hard.

Reality:  Make no mistake. It is a vast difference in being  aesthetically sociable with every personality type, versus being romantically involved.  The more commonalities you share in the relationship, and the more you genuinely agree on certain philosophies and belief systems; the more you have in common in communicating, and sharing levels of intellectuality, ideals, and the more you are aligned financially, spiritually, historically, and culturally, the more chances you have of creating a solid and growing bond, which will build your relationship.

I just want to fall in love. When I fall in love,  that is the person for me.

Reality:  If you cannot list many reasons as to why you are in love— you are only infatuated. And the feeling of infatuation is fleeting after a period of time.  That feeling will not take you through the conflicts, and the various realities you have not begun to face during your “feely” period.  You are not in love until you can rationalize and understand why you love the person you claim to love.  As for falling in love?  Love is not a fumble.

Do not become disillusioned with the illusions.