Selfishness against Selflessness

Posted on January 19, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Selfish folk are the needy and the greedy. They fear because they lack the ability to steer success on their own. They are insecure because they do not have the goods to endure. They are fakers, making you believe they are in your corner, when they are only faking for the taking. Users, because they know they are losers. Weak! Because if they do not take yours their future is bleak! Supportive, only if you are fulfilling their need to be needed.

I am reading the book, “Men Don’t Heal, We Ho” (Dixon). I have Jevon to thank for telling me about the book. While Mr. Dixon takes you on a journey that is hilarious, and informative—- it is infuriating. He proceeds to explain his relationship with a woman he had been dating for 3 years. After 2 years of living together, they get married. Boom! The disaster begins. His wife stops sexing him. She is tired all of the time. Mr. Dixon is doing everything with his “Big Worm” to remain loyal in the marriage.

He cannot figure out what happened…..I can.

He married a SELFISH woman! Yep. Indubitably, undeniably SELFISH! I was on the train and could not contain myself as I was reading. They had been together for 3 years prior to getting married, kicking it hard, and as Mr. Dixon puts it, “…sexing 36 times a day.” Now that they are married the sex life is completely gone. Now he has to resort to waiting until she falls into a very deep sleep, sticks his dick in ¾ of the way, and she has no choice but to let him finish the job. What!!!

Why would that girl go hard body for 3 years, just to get married, to end up telling this man, “I don’t have the appetite for sex anymore. Let’s wait until I am out of medical school.” Wow! Do you think he would have married her under those conditions? Hell no!

Prior to marriage, he had been dating, doting and falling in love with a selfish woman. (I wish I was just talking to one person. I would not be saying woman. That is for damn sure!) Now, let’s think critically here. She did everything right for three years to get it. The man, the goods, and now she is Mrs. Dixon. So, when he or she decides to go for a divorce, she gets at least 60% (it rounds to about 60%) of everything he has worked for. She put her time in, to do him in, so she can get hers. Make no mistake, selfishness has a strategy.

During the relationship that woman is putting her work in. All the while, Mr. Dixon is caught up in the world of love, but girlfriend is caught up in the obtaining the object. We have two people, totally divided, while abiding in a relationship. Now when the divorce happens (I am pretty certain it will) her story will be, “I was in medical school, coming home at midnight every night, he was only working a 9-5 job and expected me to be sexual every night.” Many people will buy that story. When she walks away with 60% of Mr. Dixon’s goods, and he has to take care of her for life, she will feel justified that she put her work in to achieve that. See is entitled and she deserves it, because she was his wife. When the truth is, she sexually exhausted herself for 3 years, knowing she was not sexually compatible with him, so her time in should provide the rewards she worked so hard for. ONLY a selfish person thinks like that.

I am always amazed that the selfish never gets down with the selfish. Some selfish filthy foul is always with some selfless person. Coincidence? I think not. We have seen it, time and time again, the best people with the most selfish people. Selflessness is not about denying oneself. It is about prioritization and balance. It is about the acknowledgement that someone may have a pressing need that requires some assistance right now. Selflessness is about the world that we know (community, family, partners, husbands, lovers, friends, co-workers, etc.) continues on a cycle. And the good we receive, should be paid forward, and in turn that cycle comes back with the good we have given. Therefore, we all share in the good, because it keeps coming around and around. “Universe we call to thee, come and join us and set us financially free, giving us power and prosperity, and we will give back to the cycle of plenty.”

Anytime we enter a relationship based on the need of someone, the relationship will fail. The foundation is not about the desire of wanting to be with each other. It is not about the synchronicity you share. It is not about the compatibility of synergy you both provide. It is not about the many commonalities by which you can use to build on to a progressive and productive relationship. It is not about your differentials that creates the edge and adventure of the relationship. It is not about being a unit, and trying to be one.

No. It is only about one–one of you—the needy one. And that it shall be for the duration of your relationship.

The selfish are devoid of the very basic necessities that make a relationship successful. The selfish mind thinks, “There is no loyalty to go with you all the way. There is no spirit of togetherness. We are together, because you are keeping it together. I am doing me, but you are doing us! There is no we, there is only me! You will continue to get support, providing the result of my support provides me with what I need. If you need me, I will be there—only if your need fulfills my need to be needed. Appreciation is not a part of the equation, because only entitlement has jurisdiction in the relationship.”

Last, but not least. Selfishness begets selfishness. This is what I call an epidemic. When Mr. Dixon is done with this relationship, his goal will be only about him now. He will be looking to get “his” now, because he has been hurt and bruised. He will look to the next woman cautiously, angrily, timidly, afraid to put his heart on the line again, because he loved a woman to his destruction. Stripped down, torn down, sexed down, and he walked away with his financials in ruins. Someone else has to pay the price for the evil of another.

“I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love, it’s time that I realize…..a willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart and a washed out dream…..that’s why I’m starting with me…” Michael Jackson

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Master Your Emotion

Posted on January 18, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

According to dictionary.com, “Emotion is defined as any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.”

Our emotional system is the host and driver of everything we feel, but it does not have the ability to explicate why we feel. The brain does that. In an article called, “How The Brain Controls Emotions” researchers named Amit, Etkin, and Joy Hirsch reported that specific parts of an area of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC)–a center for so-called “executive” control of neural processing–are connected to the amygdala. The amygdala is the brain’s major center for processing emotional events. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/52415.php

Emotion is usually the primary driver for most people. Many situations boil down to how we feel, not how we rationalize. If we can stop to critically analyze the situation, we would save ourselves of a lot of emotional damage.

When you feel anger, you go on an emotional rampage. In trying to explain to your partner how you feel, most likely you lack the communicable ability to explain “why” you are feeling. This minimizes the importance of your problem. Unless your partner is an empath, it is impossible to understand the depth of your feelings. Only solid reasoning will provide some information that allows your partner to draw parallels to your position that he or she can relate to, which will help him or her to be empathetic.

If you are someone who yells and screams, it can be mentally paralyzing. The trauma of a loud voice, and the height of your emotion limits one’s ability to process rationally what you are trying to say. Your dramatization creates a response of defense–not a response of understanding. No one likes to be yelled at. So, to avoid the drama, some partners feign understanding just to keep the peace. The purpose of communicating is to strengthen your relationship and develop an understanding of who you are in the relationship and why you are. Instead, this boils down to nothing but drama.

Your feelings are important. They need to be acknowledged, understood, and reconciled. If you do not reconcile and compartmentalize your emotions, an imbalance occurs to your emotional system. The results of being imbalanced are, sensitivity, easily flustered, feeling sorry for yourself, thinking no one cares about you, etc. Having these feelings diminishes your self-value system.

Perform an emotional audit and you will most likely find that your feelings reflect a self deficiency that needs to be modified, repaired, or eradicated.

We do not take very much time to strengthen our emotional system, because at the end of every feeling, someone is there holding the last nerve you have. Sometimes we give folk way too much power. Rather than making someone responsible for every emotional upheaval you have, consider why you are providing that allowance. Give that power only to those in your first inner circle– your partner, family and very close friends. And do that with great consideration.

Unless your partner have said or done something to hurt your core and your heart; unless there has been a breach of your trust; unless some flagrant violation has taken place, try to reconcile the emotion.

Protect yourself by not making an emotional investment in every situation.

Conduct an emotional audit before making your partner pay for your emotional weakness.

Master your emotion!

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