Support: The Relationship Stabilizer

Posted on May 23, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

A relationship requires— no it mandates support.    

Support is one of the foundational necessities that help to “gel” the relationship.

There are many ways to provide support.  It is you being an advocate.  The one who provides encouragement, the assistant, advisor, the right arm, the rock, the protector of the investment or project; and it is about you bringing your skills and talent to the task.

Support is you being your partner’s spiritual and emotional supporter.

The support structure allows you to see a side of your partner that is a part of who he/she is.  Sometimes, “who” we are determines “why” we are.  You get to learn a little more than you did before.

Complimenting your partner is a big part in providing support.  This is hard for some of us.  Some of us pay a compliment as if we have to go in to our pockets for it.

If you have a problem complimenting your partner, there is clearly a selfish, prideful, insecure or stubborn reason you have that is creating this problem for you.  A compliment inspires confidence.  Why would you deny your partner of anything good you can provide?

In relationships, the motto is pretty much about being and doing together, not separate.  Being supportive of each other, puts you in a place of togetherness.

Should you not support your partner, it sends a negative message. It implies you do not care about his/her total well being. Why not support your partner, especially if he/she has worked on your projects, shared and supported your endeavors?

Your lack of support is noticed and noted. It is a blatant offense.  If your partner says nothing about it, it does not mean they are not thinking about it.  This will cause the unsupported partner to move forward, accepting external reinforcement.

Division on any level of a relationship creates distance, and distance brings unfamiliarity.

Your partner should not have to ask you for support.  It should be understood, and without discussion, that you are their main champion for the cause.  It also allows you both to build together, resulting in you growing together.  There is less risk of growing apart.

Having separate lives is critical to being a couple, but there is a slight catch to this.  Where growth is necessary to individual improvement; please do not become so independently separate that you grow apart from each other.

Provide robust support to each other, and observe together the different angles you have not seen before.  The lack of support will provide distance and the need for external bonding.

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How Many Second Chances?

Posted on May 20, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

How many times does your partner have to mess up before you end the relationship?

We know what messing up is.  It is the problems we make, because of the actions we take.  You keep mistreating your partner, you are creating problems, and putting stress on the relationship. And after your partner gets totally tired of a bunch of nothingness, or the bare minimal of what you provide in the relationship, he/she gets fed up, and ends it.

You have messed up.

When should we leave a cheater?  When should we leave someone who is so angry you cannot get close enough to them to build a peaceful bond? How long do you stay when your partner is damaged goods and won’t trust you, because partners before you have destroyed his/her trust?  A partner who is detached from the relationship is not investing him/herself in the relationship. A partner who is not sexually involved is not sharing in the necessity of intimacy.  A partner who is cynical, mostly negative and have some bitter views on life is most likely not positive, and will not have a much better view in and about the relationship.

The number of times you allow for mess ups or second chances varies from couple to couple, and person to person. It has, in part, to do with your tolerance level, patience and the love you have for your partner.

Some folk look at the love of God and try to do the marathon of love to hold on in a relationship.  Not quite as effective.  There are too many variables.  You have only one life to live which is a timed cycle.  You do not have the love a God has; neither can you really comprehend the depths of what that really is.  You are always to strive for it, but certain powers the Gods have, mortals, whether spiritual or not, will not own those powers.  Love is one of those powers.  You also cannot know the heart of your partner to determine how much endurance you need to put up with being unhappy.  Your partner’s free will is an uncontrolled variable. If he/she is not ready to improve, your life’s time cycle, is waiting on the hope of a change.

The point is, if you choose to wait on your partner, your life and time depends on your partner.  Are you really living your life?

Do you have that kind of time in your life?  It is your call of course.

As you know, we have a tendency to stay longer than we should.  We stay until relational damage reaches a point of no repair.  And a lot of emotional damage has been done to us in the meantime, to the point, that moving forward into another relationship is quite difficult.  The baggage from the prior relationship is carried into the new relationship.

A part of growth is making mistakes.  A mistake is an act with no intent to harm anyone. That person is somewhat blind to the ramifications of the damaging results, and unaware that what he/she is doing is wrong.  A mistake should not be repeated again.

You repeat the same mistake. You know better.

If you see your partner is really trying, and making significant progress, to do his/her part to improve the relationship without fail; and if your rational analysis and heart is saying stay, why not trust yourself.

If your partner is always in the “trying” to do better state, but providing more lip service than action, it is most likely a little voice within you is saying, “This relationship will not work”.  If you cannot let go right now, you should prepare yourself for a painful future. And be prepared for when you get good and tired, you will have been emotionally beaten down.

If the relationship is causing you to distrust yourself, and blocks your ability to make decisions that were originally easy for you, why are you there?  The core of your being is being stripped down in the relationship.  If your partner continually takes you for granted, and you feel alone most of the time: you can be alone, without being in a relationship.

Your life is on count down.  How much time do you have to waste?

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