Stubbornness: The Obstinate Loser!

Do you have a limited perspective in looking at life? Are you locked in on a set way of doing things? Is it  difficult to persuade you (to no avail) of another logical and simplistic perspective?

Why are you like this and what is your continual motivation for being this way?  What value do you bring to the relationship?

Stubbornness:  Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bullheaded.  Difficult to treat or deal with; resistant to treatment or effort.” http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stubbornness  (Technically you are similar to a race horse that wears blinders.) At least their blinders serve a purpose!

Does stubbornness work for you in the area of understanding? How can your answer be yes, when you have one way of looking at things?  Understanding is a dimension of various perspectives.

Do you have creativity? How do you bring creativity to anything when you have one “self-focused” (all about your way) perspective that lacks the color and pizazz to create something? Wearing blinders limits your ability to create.

Are you a good lover? Let’s see….how about no! You most likely have been programmed to the missionary position.  A person of your limited perspective would not dare hang from a chandelier.  Chances are you have never given a woman a “G” spot orgasm. As a woman, chances are, you have never had one.

Do you have gratitude? Or perhaps your view on life is so limited, you do not have very much to be thankful for, like getting up in the morning. How are you living?

Do you know how to love? Let me guess, you have one limited definition that only you really understand?  You have love wrapped up in one tiny box.

Most likely you do not ask questions to get the answer. You judge and criticize others instead.  You think you have all of the answers.  You see people as tools by which you try to manipulate into your world. Your mantra?  “It is your way or no way.” Your life is habitual, no excitement, and dull.

Most likely you think you have lived life. You feel you have done everything and have been fully exposed to everything. How can that be when your blinders are a hindrance to you seeing the big picture? You have not begun to live in your small world of rigidity.

Most likely you have morals— to a degree. But you carry a lot of anger.  What your blinders cannot allow you to see— is you are easily flustered, frustrated, and provoked to anger.  Execution of that anger is easy for you.  This is understandable. Your lack of the broader perspective leaves much room for frustration that builds to anger.  Your anger is your cue of your frustration with yourself, but you are too damn stubborn to get the revelation.

So, let’s summarize this shall we? You lack the ability to understand (this limits your communication skills).  You lack creativity and vision.  You are not a good lover.  You are limited in gratitude and appreciation (which means you also feel entitled).  You think you know what love is— but are not open to the broad world of love (with blinders on you most likely cannot recognize love if it walked right up to you).  You are judgmental and critical of others (this means you think you know it all).  You are dull and boring. You have habits that need to be broken, and you are easily angered and frustrated.

One last question?

How can anyone be in a relationship with you?

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The Argument: Not About Who is Right!

How a couple handles an argument is the most critical time to measure where you both are as a unit in addressing your problems.  If you cannot create resolve to your arguments, you are not solving anything together. You are only repressing problems in the relationship,  until one day an issue comes up that adds an overload of anger and frustration, due to a buildup of all unresolved past arguments.  Problems do not go away in relationships; they fester and build until they reach a breaking point.

If the overload does not cause a breakup, it will cause a breakout where one partner will seek external comfort, understanding and solutions elsewhere.

We try to avoid an argument at all costs.  Even at the cost of creating fractures and separation in the relationship, because we avoid talking about conflicting issues.  When we are forced to reckon with a problem, our energy becomes negative with anguish in having to deal with an argument.

Avoiding and mishandling arguments speaks loudly as to what we need to do to make an argument more productive, with less intensity, while learning how to end with a resolve that both partners can live with, learn from, and move on while strengthening the relationship.

An argument should never primarily be about who is right.  Taking this approach reaps more negative results of who has to admit they are wrong.  No one wants to be wrong.

Rather than fight for the cause of “I am right!” Fight for the cause of “Let’s Get This Right!” instead.  This gives you both something to work towards.

Yelling to be heard, or to verbally over power your partner is not only disrespectful, but also immature. Try using better self-control, by using your logical side only.  Your partner is not going anywhere.  Waiting to speak decreases the heighten acceleration of the argument.

Blurting out an insult is a painful verbal strike.  Saying something to offend your partner makes you appear hypocritical.  You have been living with that insulting thought in your mind for how long?

An argument has no room for pride.  Pride never solves anything— ever!

Shutting down the argument, shelving it for later, or walking away, gives the impression you do not want to accept your part in the problem, nor do you care.

Straying off the subject prolongs the problem.

Being stubborn in your position shuts down your ability to listen, and minimizes your understanding of what your partner is saying.

Responding during the course of the argument with, “yeah right”, “you’re right”, or any similar response, means the argument is going nowhere.

An argument is not a venting platform. If you are using arguments to vent, the communication is weak and the relationship is unstable.

A solution to an argument should contain three things:
·         A logical conclusion.
This is accomplished by proposing better behavioral responses and options to the situation; and reflecting on how to incorporate those actions the next time around.

·         A final calm reinforcement of the agreed solution, to ensure there are no heart feelings, no further concerns on the issue, and avoidance of that same issue from happening again.
This is done by doing a recap of what the new actions will be should a similar issue come up again. This is a good time to reaffirm your love, assuring your partner you have his/her best interest at heart. Seal it with a hug and kiss. Then move on!

·         An apology.  Admit when a mistake has been made.
Just because the focus is not solely about who is wrong,  does not relinquish the responsibility of the one who has made a mistake.  Your ethical system should be strong enough to admit you have made a mistake.

Posted in Actions in Relationship | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment