Oblivious of the Obvious

Posted on March 20, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

We do not observe our partners enough until it is too late. It is not until they have become aloof, withdrawn or are walking around with a smug look of satisfaction that forces us to notice something is different. What is interesting about the look is most likely; we did not put it there. Either way we are late on the observation draw.

We are being oblivious of the obvious by not observing.

When someone’s behavior has changed, something has changed and something is going on. This does not always denote the change is working against the relationship, but if we were observing, we would know.

Knowing your partner is more than knowing their favorite color, food, or a pet peeve. There is a reason why your partner is the way they are. Everything connects together— their past, their today and their future, has either made or is making the person before you. The more you make your partner a person of interest, the more you will know about them. It is not only important to know “who” your partner is; it is just as important to know “why” they are who they are, because what they do is based on the “why” and the “who.” This would expand your understanding enormously.

We are not built to be alone, and most of us do not want to be; but when it comes to being in a relationship, we are sometimes too self-focused, and remiss of what is going on with our partner. We take them for granted, believing they will always be there. Taking someone for granted is nothing but pure negligence.

There are many ways to observe your partner: their mannerisms, vibe, and tone of voice, facial expressions, breathing, and silence when they are normally chatty. Are they on edge when they are normally calm? Do they snap when stressed? When observing, we are not looking for faults. Do not make accusations. Everything is not about you. We are observing to know them better. (Some things only come by observing.) Is your partner trying to be calm and actually appear awkward when they are normally lively and passionate? Are they staying away from the house more? Are they avoiding anything? Listen as they walk through the house. Is there anything they are concerned about? (You are building your intuitive skill— an excellent skill to have!) Again, this is very helpful in knowing and understanding your partner. You will be more on top of what is going on, rather than being oblivious and end up watching something happen, when you could have foreseen, and perhaps prevented it from happening. Things happen when we are not watchful. Pay attention!

Being too caught up in our individual lives depletes the togetherness as a couple, creating division, eventually developing a fracture in the relationship. Just because your partner is coming home as scheduled (why are we clocking grown folk anyway?) and doing things as normal, does not mean all is well. Do not be so secure in being lackadaisical. You just might be oblivious to the obvious of simmering trouble or an issue afoot.

We cannot be so oblivious that we do not stop and ask, “Hey Baby is everything ok? Sit on my lap and tell me how your day was.” (This applies to both men and women.) Grab them from the back and whisper, “I love you. Sweetie, talk to me. What is on your mind? Come and have tea with me.” Walk your partner to the kitchen, holding his/her hand, while looking them in the eye, and letting them know you are there to listen. Being observant and involved minimizes any possibilities of your partner needing external resources to confide in. Your partner just may begin to open up more, because you are taking a sincere interest in his/her well-being.

In return, you open more ways of communicating that will generate more involvement in the relationship. The conversations will increase rather than becoming scarce and the value will increase rather than becoming shallow in dialogue.

Do not be oblivious to the obvious.

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Our Relationship Will Fail if……

Posted on March 18, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

There are certain combinations that are relationship destroyers. We often enter a relationship based solely on our feelings, which is normal, but feelings are not capable of making decisions. Feelings are emotions without logic. It is important to share as many commonalities as possible in order to stabilize the relationship. A relationship needs a fighting chance. If we are in a relationship, it is best to continually manage its progress, because if we do not, the relationship could be on a decline. Should it be on a decline, and cannot recover, it is always best to end it, rather than pay the devastating emotional price for holding on.

If you cannot expand your commonalities, you put the relationship at risk. If you allow your differences to separate you, it will not work; if one is the sole giver and one is the taker; if one is positive, and the other is a cynic, and judgmental, it is only a matter of time before the relationship is strained, leading to a separation that will explode during an unavoidable disagreement.

If one is a closeted homosexual, and the other a heterosexual, it will not work; if one is growing and reinventing his/herself, and the other is stagnate, one will outgrow the other. This too leads to separation.

If one apologizes, and the other has a hard time in apologizing, this takes much compromising and understanding. The apologetic one is being direct in trying to bring the situation to a resolve. The unapologetic one is avoiding, causing continual residue which accumulates over time. This will only go so far. If one keeps their word, and the other fails to deliver on their word, it is only a matter of time when the trust barriers are completely breached.

If one partner is selfish and the other partner is giving, it will not work. Givers always self-reflect and self-check to keep the balance. The Selfish continues to consume goodness. A time will come when the giving partner will do inventory, and find that the returns in the relationship are minimal— at best.

Long distance relationships must maintain a balance of value. Otherwise, one will feel taken for granted. If one travels for the relationship and the other doesn’t, again, a time for inventory will come where the costs will be weighed against the strength of the love in the relationship. One will assume the premium of the relationship is not highly regarded.

Sweeping issues under the rug or putting them on the shelf will accumulate more problems than the original problem, while building frustration and anger. It will soon take one too many arguments that will bring everything to the fore front. Suppressing conflict devalues the relationship and undermines the feelings of the partner who wants a resolve in order to move forward.

Unless you are a swinging couple and have an agreement of sleeping with other couples, or other people, sleeping outside of the relationship will breach the trust, love, and communication. The relationship will appear to have been built on a lie.

If both partners are competitive and do not know how to engage in a healthy challenge, you open the portal of jealousy, low self-esteem, and resentment that leads to separation.

If a couple is not engaging in sex to satisfy and enhance continued compatibility in frequency, passion, and spontaneity, you open the door for external options.

A relationship requires balance. If one partner has stronger skills or capabilities that he/she brings to the relationship, the other partner must work hard to find a way to bring the value. Any slack or deficiency causes the relationship to suffer. If one partner feels taken for granted, and unloved in comparison to what they are putting in, one of two things will happen. The partner will submit to being unhappy and stay in the relationship. Or they will become resentful, angry and disappointed in their partner, while thinking of a way to end the relationship.

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