The Entitled Partner

Posted on March 8, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

Does entitlement work in a relationship? Maybe that is not the question. The real question is how CAN it work in a relationship?

The Urban Dictionary had the best description for Entitlement: “someone who thinks something is owed to them by life in general; or because they are who they are.” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=entitlement

I was originally doing statistical research on “The Entitled” due to the selfishness and greed of folk who fit this description. Instead, I ran across this article that enlists a host of other issues? We are not giving the relationship a fighting chance with all of these problems. Not only do we have the “me, me, me” thing going on, but we have a host of other negative factors to deal with also?

In the article, Dealing With People Who Act Entitled “People who take a position of entitlement act contemptuous of others. Superior. They become offended…… and have a very difficult time apologizing when they make a mistake or act inappropriately. They may easily blame, criticize, shame, humiliate or judge others—or demand that others meet their needs or live up to their standards—but are resistant to meet your needs…… and they aren’t empathetic. They act as if they have the right to do or say whatever they want.” http://heartrelationships.com/article/dealing-people-who-act-entitled

This is unacceptable and wrong on so many levels! Can you say, “Hell No!”

Those partners who feel entitled are the destroyers in the relationship. No doubt. Hands down.

Let me guess. Are they liberal partners? (Neh!) They always go the extra mile? (Nah!) Admit when they are wrong? (Never!) They go hard in the bedroom, and are uninhibited and unlimited? (Ha!) They have an answer to their own problems or do they need you? (Yep!) Can they handle their own finances successfully without any help from their appreciative partners? (Say What!) Are they go getters? (Only when they are going to get something someone is giving to them.) Are they considerate of others? (What others? It is all about them!)

The personality profile continues with a gamut of negative factors. They barely give anything, and when they do, they really think they are doing something extra. Stingy and they reap stingy. Ungrateful, because they believe you owe them something. Insecure, you cannot tell them anything. They are also suspicious, because they ignore their higher consciousness for a higher calling to selflessness. Being high minded is the necessary illusion for them to believe they are someone they are not. Defensive, is the front line of defense to ward off anyone seeing fault in them.

Woa! There is an imbalance in the relationship. The differences are far greater than the commonalities.

The person who feels entitled needs to get a handle on truth, especially about who they are. They are not bringing much value in the relationship. It is impossible to bring value, when you are the devaluing cause. A thorough review of self-deficiency problems is a mandate, and taking a hard look at their selfish ways is an absolute necessity. Ask the question why selfishness is there. Being selfish is indicative of fear for the lack of abundance. They need to realistically and objectively analyze their minimal contribution in the relationship. It is important to admit when a mistake has been made. See life as a gift, and be appreciative for being able to get up every morning. Make it a habit to say the words, “thank you.” The words may feel foreign, and maybe even feign at first. But keep at it. Make an effort to do a kind gesture every day, whether in word or deed. Lastly, make a concerted effort to turn off the self-focus mode, and put yourself in the shoes of your partner.

Entitlement is a detriment to your relationship and an illusion in your self-made reality. Get over yourself already!

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Violation of Vulnerability

Posted on March 6, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

We underestimate the power of spoken words, and fail to see that words cut deep, leaving a wound by which very few rarely recover. If there is some sort of recovery, the memory and the pain is rarely forgotten. Some of us remember every cruel word we have ever been told in life. We all have been shaped, inspired, mortified, or devastated by what someone has said to us. Any statement that attacks how we look, who we are, how we are, and the level of intelligence we have, or not, we remember.

Every. Single. Word.

Perhaps the power of words and their impact originally started with Mother. The first woman to talk to us, teach and tell us what to do; and our first disciplinarian. Mother either inspired or verbally destroyed us— good, bad or indifferent. The words we took in to live by, abide by and even fight by were credible, because they were spoken by our Mother. Unfortunately, we were never really taught a defense system on how to self-protect, against the words of those who did not hold our best interest at heart. As adults, words still have just as strong of an impact today as they did back then. Many of us have tried to use various defense mechanisms in an effort to thwart off the pain of words that sometimes feel like rape to the core of our emotional system. Most mechanisms we use only appear to protect us, because they make us a little less feeling, a little less intimate, and sometimes, socially awkward.

As a result, we have a level of vulnerability we are uncomfortable in exposing.

Vulnerability does not necessarily denote weakness. It is a choice and the birthright to being human. It takes courage to allow our partner in to a very fragile place. The place where our love runs deep, or where our fears lie, or our shortcomings that may reveal a side, that we are not hiding, but being a work in progress does not always reflect our best personality.

When it comes to our relationship, we need to feel totally connected. The real connection happens in a relationship when we have allowed our partner in to a very vulnerable place in our heart. When our partner is in that place, we feel a true connection. And, when our partner allows us in, a bond is established that can be difficult to break. Perhaps the place of vulnerability is where the deep relational connection occurs. We have to risk something to gain something. According to Psychology Today, “… the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship.” http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201209/vulnerability-the-secret-intimacy

The worse thing a partner can do is use the inside track about us, turn around, and use it against us. This often occurs during an argument, when he/she brings up the vulnerability to use as ammunition. This is called, “Violation of Vulnerability.” We must never take our partner’s information and use it against them. Making the choice to destroy the trust of sharing vulnerability is a mistake that is so close to permanent damage, the relationship truly suffers. The walls of trust are severed and distance is created. We become the enemy and breach to the relationship.

Choosing to use vulnerability as ammunition means two things: someone has a very weak position in the argument, and the love in the relationship is just not strong enough.

Again. Make no mistake. Vulnerability does not always mean weakness.

The partner who shares vulnerability is the strongest. One chooses to reveal— one chooses to conceal. Hiding in a protected cocoon, is only an illusion, and does nothing but reveal vulnerabilities. Our vulnerabilities are never really hidden. In an attempt to cover up, we uncover. The more we try to protect, leaves a higher risk of not being protected. The partner, who opens up, removes the paralytic boundaries of fear, and the unrevealing partner allows fear to supersede. The fearful partner is the weaker of the two. One chooses to try— the other chooses not to try.

Exposing vulnerability takes strength and it generates strength. Revealing is actually healing.

Take the risk of vulnerability. Both partners working together will create the balance of sharing, rather than one trusting and the other not trusting. If we are balancing the sharing of our vulnerability, we are less apt to do a “Violation of Vulnerability” because we both have something to lose.

We are being entrusted with the heart and core of the one we love. Let’s act like it. No argument, and no discussion should ever cause us to sever or sacrifice that love, because the heart and vulnerability of our partner is in our hands to nurture, treasure and hold close.

Never be the cause of Violation of Vulnerability.

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