Competition versus Compatibility

Posted on February 24, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

How frustrating it is to live a life where being combative is normalcy in a relationship. Combativeness comes into a relationship when the couple has been engaging in competition.

Some experts believe a little competition is healthy. This may not be entirely correct. In the article, “6 Signs Your Relationship is Competitive” http://www.today.com/id/18682317/site/todayshow/ns/today-relationships/t/signs-your-relationship-competitive/, one of the most powerful statements in the article is, “If you’re always striving to be the winner, you may wind up being the loser.”

The relationship loses, because the spirit of togetherness becomes convoluted with the spirit of rivalry. Rather than working towards compatibility the relationship is slowly dividing, as the couple becomes combative in competition.

Competition can only be healthy when both partners are working and accomplishing in synchronicity, singularly and primarily in the groove of achieving individual goals. It’s like pumping up with a goal getter boost. That should be as far as the competition goes, but competition does not work within parameters or restrictions. It permeates through mostly everything. The competitive spirit begins to cause rivalry when the goals are achieved by one partner, and not the other. If one partner’s goal is achieved first, this could become a problem in developing the mentality of who won and who lost. This type of competition is not about “We won, because I won.” It is only about “I won, and you lost.” There is nothing healthy about this.

It is very difficult to balance the spirit of competition. All competitions are based on winner and loser. Someone must lose and someone must win. Otherwise, it is not a competition. The relationship should be more about leveraging and combining all talents and knowledge to contribute to the couple’s “together” goal that is financially and relationally rewarding.

Even the conversations become more combative and challenging. Rather than having conversations that are about sharing and engaging in intellectual content, the conversations become more about, who has the highest level of intellect. Rather than contributing to the couple’s knowledge database, the combativeness takes over and creates the condescending thought of “I know, and you do not know.” This creates tension and defensiveness. The conversations become limited, in order to avoid conversational conflict. The result is, less conversation. There is nothing healthy about this. This is so far from what great communication is all about.

There is so much competition in the world a couple should have no tolerance for competition in their relationship. There is competition in getting a job, keeping the job, competing against the competition, competing for clients, competing in getting the business; there are family members who you have to contend with regarding this.

Let home be the core for loving, relaxation, easy conversation, while letting your guard down. Home should be the rejuvenation place, not the place for defense. “Home is Where the Heart is.”

Look at your partner and take time to admire his/her abilities. Don’t hate their accomplishments or skills— celebrate! Respect them for what they have done. Sincerely compliment them for what they do. Admire them for not only what they are, but why they are, which makes them who they are. Everyone has a story. You may just find that they could have climbed into a hole from the lows of life, but they gained the strength to climb the mountain instead. Know their story. Know your area of expertise and let them have theirs. Compliment, complement, but do not compete.

Partners are not to be used for egotist’s purposes; neither are they for some self centered self esteem illusional boost. That is your companion. Both partners should be sharing, mostly everything, especially when it comes to communication, knowledge, skills, talents, and know-how. The more you dive deep into compatibility, the lower the risk of you outgrowing each other.

In this economy, it is more financially beneficial in building together. Be smarter, follow the leads of the major corporations. Make your relationship more about mergers versus power takeovers.

Competition creates combativeness, which prohibits compatibility.

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Prayer with Contingency

Posted on February 22, 2013 by dontdestroyrelationship

We all know what prayer is. Let’s agree that it means the sincerest meditations of the heart. We have heard the statement, “Prayer changes things.” We mostly believe that a group of people, in the spirit of unity, have the power to generate the Laws of Attraction to create a desired result.

Webster defines contingency as, “an event (as an emergency) that may but is not certain to occur <trying to provide for every contingency; something liable to happen as an adjunct to or result of something else.” http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/contingency.

When we pray, think about it, it is not always for the impossible. The impossible is not a daily necessary need. We pray mostly for the things we have the power to control. For example, the subjection of our will to do God’s will, (we are willing to change our will to God’s will) an answer to a question in which we already have an idea of what the answer is , or a resolution to a financial problem or desire— we indeed have control over our finances.  If you don’t get control.  There are times we pray for miracles, but this is not every day. You get the idea.

There is a contingency to prayer. The contingency is, “Free Will.” A decision the Spiritual powers have given to every man. There are at least 12 scriptures that support this fact.

There is no power on this earth than can control man. Free Will is so strong, that in order to bend or break a man’s will, he must be subjected to hypnosis, forced action, or a drug.

Prayer cannot be used to create a result that devoids a man of his Free Will. For example, if you find you are dating a homosexual, you cannot change him to be heterosexual. Nothing on this earth can change that, but him. Some scientists would argue that even that cannot be changed.

If you find you are in love with a woman or a man that has no strong will to accomplish anything, to be anything, or does not hold all the principles you hold dear, no amount prayer will change their will, against their will.

If you are truly praying that God will change someone’s mind of a sexual preference, or to make them a better person, to stop them from substance abuse, give them a strong will to make achievements in life, help them to love you and be with you; please, do not put your life on hold hoping for a change in the agreement of Free Will between God and man. We know there are exceptions that happen in the spiritual realm, but they are just that— exceptions. Not common occurrences. Putting your life on hold, or inputting a lot of time in, praying for anything that alters a man’s Free Will, may not be in your best interest.

Some women actually believe they can change a man. This belief may have come from being a mother. We as mother have the ability to shape and guide the lives of the children we raise. This alone could be the reason why there are more women who believe they can change a man, versus men believing they can change a woman. We do not have the power to change the will of another mother’s child. Especially when that child is a full grown man/woman whose life and decisions are his/hers to do as he/she wills.

If we had the power to change someone’s will, would we really want to? Who wants to be with a person who is weak willed and easily controlled? This same person does not have the ability to take the lead on anything, or even be able to identify a lead. If we had the power to change someone’s will why would we want to? What does that say about us? We are barely controlling the things we can in our lives, why are we trying to bend or control the will of someone else?

The goal is to select the best partner with strong capabilities in decision making, strength, courage, goal orientation, and achievement, strong sexuality, as well as someone who share as many commonalities as possible. There is also adaptability, sexual orientation, and love, philosophy of life, value and belief systems to consider. And if these characteristics align with yours, there is still the childhood imprints, the built-in mindset, the impact of past regrets, family values, and reasons for past loves lost that is brought into the relationship. And even in listing all these things— there are the friends, colleagues and enemies you will have to manage and integrate or work through in order to make the relationship with this person a successful and thriving one.  All of this is involved with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you.  This is more than enough.

Hoping and praying for someone’s will to change to do what they need to do and be what they need to be, or change what they need to change to be with you is way more work than you can manage.

Perhaps, rather than trying to control someone’s will, time would be better spent on having a relationship with someone who has the same will power as you to navigate through life and build a strong and lasting relationship.

Continue to pray, but pray with an understanding that your prayer comes with a contingency.

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